Category Archives: Journal

Paul Kempe art. This journal is where I document my thoughts and feelings. It’s serves the purpose to exercise my brain, and relieve stress, while entertaining myself and anyone else who might be interested in what I have to say. I make this public in the name of art (the proverbial “get out of jail free” card), out of love for life and my brother man. I sometimes get a little too serious, and pardon me. Sometimes I think I know best, and I know better than that.

Cheap and Good

The day that was yesterday August 5, 2019

The day started with nearly no sleep the night before, because I haven’t recovered yet from the South Korean time zone. By 11:00 am I had already consumed 7 shots of Starbucks espresso.
By 1:00 pm, I was so tired and weak I could barely walk to get myself something to eat.
For lunch I opted for half a rotisserie chicken, no rice, no vegies just the protein. Within minutes I was re-energized. After lunch I decided to buy some weed, to smoke in the event I felt the urge to take a nap, which would have prevented me from getting to sleep at night. I went to Shivas on Hill Street and bought the cheapest that looked the best. I have been buying the most expensive that looks the best in the past, but I didn’t feel it was all that stony, and wanted something that provides more of a buzz. Something cheap and good. Like with wine, just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it’s good. Sure enough I got lucky and the stuff I bought was cheap and good. After I took a few puffs to learn what exactly I had procured, my buzz started, and I decided to head over to the YMCA for some calisthenics. I ended up playing for two and a half hours from 2:30 to 5:00 pm. Cheap and good, yep that’s the way to go.

While I stretching after dancing at Pershing Square as I like to do on my way to the YMCA, I nice lady came over and offered me a drink of water from her Aquafina bottle. I was a little surprised, and said no thank you. The woman said, yes right, of course not, and stammered off as though angry. I watched her walk away, wondering what that was about, but came to no conclusion. I was still in my meditation zone, and really didn’t have space for outside thoughts at that moment. A few minutes later, I was done stretching, and continued my adventure to the YMCA, as made my exit from the park, I saw the lady sitting down on the wall, with a younger male friend. I was startled because just a few moments earlier she was walking in the opposite direction so I didn’t expect to see her there. I still failed to understand the meaning of her water offering, until a minute later and I was no longer in the park, and I felt bad. She wanted to meet me, and she is shy, so the water offering was intended to create an opportunity for us to perhaps talk a bit, and get to know each other. She and her friend had been watching me dance around the park for 15 minutes or so, so she had a pretty good sense of the kind of person I was, and she decided I might be compatible in some shape, or color. She was an attractive woman with a healthy tanned body and about my age, a little younger. She was also very shy, it appeared to me in retrospect, and I was sorry that I didn’t comprehend all this earlier. Had I known this when she stammered away feeling embarrassed because I rejected her water offering, I would have ran after her, and told her not to feel bad, I was in another world and unaware of what was going on. I felt bad that she reached out to me and I let her down. I was dumb and slow, as usual. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I’m pretty sure, it’s the way I see it to be.

I’m two weeks sober today. Yeah, the two week mark is when I notice the neuro genesis begin to kick in, and I start to progress, instead of marking time.

Yesterday was the first time in a couple months that I have felt the magic that life is. I felt strong, and sure. I felt good from lunch time on. It was a good day. Somethings could have been better, but it’s never perfect. We must always take the good with the bad. Life is peaks and valleys, “like a roller coaster” as Mauricio from Starbucks said it this morning at 4:45 am, and I said, indeed, and “all we need to do is learn to ride it”.

If you want anything good to happen from this life, you gotta will it. If you are more or less in good health, that is half the battle, the other half is your attitude. You gotta make your own magic. You gotta love yourself, and believe in yourself, and when you do that, others will like you better too.

Peace. Have a good day.
This Paul Kempe aka Daruma
Live No Scrimmage

I Stand Against White Supremacists

Hate violence cannot be tolerated, of any kind against any people, anywhere and especially not in America, lord please no, not in America. Those who identify themselves as white supremacists are dysfunctional, mentally disturbed, delusional cowards, which is to put it mildly, and need to be taken away, and dealt with. The government needs to step in and be proactive in this matter, and clean this shit up. The President needs to take action, not just make a speech.

This is a very sad day in America, very sad, and that is also putting it mildly.

This kind of topic is not the kind of thing I like to post on my website. I’m about love, peace, hard work and find a way toward sanity, but the events that have taken place over this weekend require that I take a stand against the kind of violence that has taken place. It’s not enough of course but it’s better than nothing. At least you know where I stand, and I hope that others do the same.

The belligerence and hate speak coming from the American political scene on both sides needs to stop. Not sure however if it can be. The art of communication, decency and diplomacy in our country is lost and has been for a long time. Long before Trump.

America is great because of our laws and our diversity, but it can become a shit hole faster than you can put butter on bread if we decide to divide ourselves by racial lines.

We are one people all cut from the same cloth of humanity, we are supposed to be humane.

A sad day in a America indeed. If politicians can’t be civil, you need to vacate your position, you are as guilty of murder as those who fired the gun. Racist laced rhetoric has no place in American politics. None what so ever. If your intellect is so challenged that you can’t express yourself in a way to solve problems without using race, be gone, get out, and go away. Your not fit for the job.

It’s a sad time in America, very sad time. We can do better, and we deserve better, but the American people need to get they’re heads out from between their butt cheeks, and vote better, on both sides of the aisle. For those that think all our problems are because of Trump, your are the one who are most blind. Eye for an eye politics is a child’s game that can be and has become very dangerous as you can see.

Indeed the events of this past weekend can in part be blamed on our political government clowns, both democrat and republican. Grow up or get out.

A white supremacist pulled the trigger, but he was inspired to do so by government clowns posing as political leaders. One would have to be a complete moron to think that running around spreading venomous racist rhetoric is a means for solving problems that plague our country, and those who support them equally idiotic. Maybe America really isn’t capable of a democracy. It’s ours to lose people. Look at yourself in the mirror and seek the truth. Don’t listen to what the media and your friends are telling you listen to your own heart and your own mind. I hope to god you can find some semblance of common sense. Cuz if you can’t find any, we’re doomed. This is the biggest problem of our time. I hope we can find the courage to be civil and diplomatic. I’m 59 years old, so I won’t be around for much longer, but for the sake of children, we need to grow up.

I’m not sure how this post will be received, I did not review it before I posted it. I have spoken what I have wanted to say for a very long time, and so it is, what it is. I said what I felt needed to be heard. If you are offended, well… you have proven my point.

Oh yeah, and lets not give the media a free pass because they are the ones who give these incompetent government clowns massive amounts of free air time. Why, because there is a demand provided by the equally culpable audience.


Yesterday I played basketball and exercised.
Yesterday I went for a walk and walked into a church, a big church, a huge church Cathedral of Our Lady of The Angels. Wow, what a church. It’s like a fortress or a monument. The ceilings are so very tall. I lingered in the church for about thirty minutes at least. Being that it was a Saturday afternoon there were very few visitors during this time, and I was fortunate to enjoy the quiet solitude with the spirit of God and Jesus. At the church I learned the story of Jose Sanchez Del Rio from Sahuayo Mexico. It is an impressive story and made me think deeply… for a while.

My only meal for the day was:
and Cashew nuts. I like Cashew nuts, dry roasted and salted.
For added flavor I sprinkled apple cider vinegar and half a lime over the salad.
The baby bell mushrooms were sauteed in olive oil ,Himalayan salt and black pepper.
Total cost $8.57.

This morning I feel peaceful and slightly reflective.
I considered for a moment before I had my coffee, while walking to starbucks at 7:45 am, what it was that I have contributed to the world, and thought of nothing, notable and felt ashamed, but than I wondered what it was that anyone else has contributed and didn’t feel so bad. Ha ha. I did however think of Micheal Jackson who gave us great music. I guess that is why I like music so much, for music really is a gift, or a blessing, because it many times lifts us up, and brings us closer to heaven.

Thank you lord, thank you Jesus, thank you everyone who gave me the time of day when I needed it. I’m the sum of the people I have met in my life whether in person or through books. I have been blessed with the wisdom to know the power of love and being grateful.

Finally today I thought about my feeble existence on this miraculous planet earth, and the day that I fall from consciousness like a leaf from a tree to rejoin the womb (soil). The sun will still shine until it does no more at which time none of this will matter no more. Ain’t no big ting braddah! Sometimes we make more of things than they are. I guess that is why humans can be classified as being creative.

for the stupid search engines
Grateful by Paul Kempe

Plant Life

I’m not a man
I’m not a woman
I’m a human being
One of Homo sapiens
What ever the fuck I think I am
I like being a plant sometimes, or a tree
Think how cool it might be if I were a river, traveling downstream from the mountain top, shrouded (i hate that word) lets try veiled in a puff of moist cotton filled with feel good forever
drip drip
fuck it’s sad yo when love mother fucken has to come to this
let me off
I’m cold

paul kempe

The power of a bow

The Power of A Bow

To bow is to offer respect to another, and acknowledge that there are indeed higher powers in the world. It is to lighten your load. It is to know that you are not alone in the struggle. To bow is is a display of humility. To be humble is for easing the tension, and reducing friction.
To bow is to bridge

Today a Korean man of about eighty years old who I sorta know from the Ketchum-Downtown YMCA saw me running up 5th Street as I was trotting to the YMCA. He greeted me as I approached Grand with a bigger smile than usual, said “good” and shot me a thumbs up. I smiled more broadly than usual in return and as he walked away I bowed at his back, and boom it hit me, we all need someone or something to bow down to sometimes. The same way people need a hug. I guess this feeling we get from bowing has a lot to do with why people go to church or the mosque to offer themselves in prayer.

For the last thirty years I have deployed the bow as a means to show gratitude, and respect toward my brother man. I bow to anyone, my friends, teachers, coaches, the cashier, a person who holds the door open for me, our employees, customers, associates, and I bow extra deeply in the spirit of the Japanese Samurai to my doctors, my CPA, and my lawyer for being able to do things for me that I’m unable to do myself. I have seen powerful men and women bow to each other, many a times. I have lived in Japan and South Korea, so I have a lot of experience with the usefulness and interpretation of the bow, but never until today did I feel that everyone stands to benefit greatly when the are able to learn to bow. After bowing to the old man today, who I barely know, I felt like I was one of the luckiest people in the world because I had someone that I could bow to. I didn’t even bow to his face, and it was still a powerful display of ??????? (what’s the word). I felt like I was on top of the world, and that the dying thirst of my heart was quenched all at once at that moment.

A new “stocks I trade” that like very much for a longer term strategy is PSNL

Disclaimer: I post some of the stocks I own are for entertainment and educational purposes only. You must do your own research and seek assistance from a professional adviser. This is not advice, further more, what I own today, I may not own tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. It’s just something I share with people from my heart.

Why ?
Because I love you.
This may sound corny but so what, life is way to short to worry about that crap

Man with A Cane

Man with a cane
Shuffling down the street
Sprouts wings


Some of stocks I own for entertainment and education, are posted not as advise to buy our sell. Always do your own research and or hire a professional advisor.

Today I’m 5 and a half weeks without a drink. This is the longest streak of being alcohol free in over 3 years maybe longer. I have however been over using marijuana in it’s place, which I feel has taken away some of the edge I like have, but waking up sober every morning, makes it worth it, I think. So now that I have boasted about my alcohol free streak, and being today is a Friday, the odds are that I will have a drink or two or three or four today. I hope not, but if I do, it won’t be the end of the world.

There is good reason however to continue my alcohol free run, and that is because I have indeed once again started working on the book, and since markets are closed on the weekends, Saturday and Sunday are good opportunities to write. That said, I have not been sleeping well lately because I have been consuming too much coffee, and perhaps I could use a rest this weekend. That would be an excuse to drink however, so …

I’m sure there is more to write about but it’s 6:30 and time to go to work. Have a good day

You are a winner

You are a winner, and a warrior. There is nothing you cannot achieve if you are dedicated and focused. Sometimes you will cry, but you will not quit and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will know that you made the right choice. It is always darkest before the dawn. I know this all to be true, from personal experience. The following mp3 should be listened too before going to sleep at night, while you lay in your bed, futon, cardboard box or tent, or just under the stars. Listen to it again while you sit on your thrown in the morning, so to plot the right coarse for your day.

You can do it, you are a winner

Paul Kempe for Nomads Coat

The Power Of Discussion

The power of discussion is it’s ability to reveal and illuminate new ideas and information.
If humans are forever learning, because the world is always changing, so we can never ever know it all, means that having a conversations, discussions, and meetings are imperative for learning and growing. Thus if people are unable to communicate in such a way that does not foster good conversation the opportunity to learn and grow is lost.

Why do I write this, because I get the impression that the largest media outlets have opted out of the discussion. They have taken a side, or a point of view, from which they refuse to entertain any other objective input, or feedback. In business, this kind of one sided blindness, and recklessness leads to bankruptcy. In nation building and nurturing it leads to unnecessary anxiety, anger, and stress, which in turn lead to civil unrest, which can lead to the destruction of a nation.

In summary, if one refuses to hear the other side the argument without an open objective mind, is to admit you “know everything” and we all know that there is not a person on planet earth knows it all. In other words, let us check ourselves and not get angry when others present a narrative we don’t agree with, cuz for all we know they might be right, and we might be wrong. For many times the difference between right and wrong is simply a matter of timing or the way we are seeing things.

Mental Health Comes First and Foremost

Good morning from Downtown Los Angeles.
It is 7:21 am and it’s absolutely beautiful outside. The air is cool, and the sky is filled with the magic of what a new day is about in a free society.
As I walked back from Starbucks slowly, with my coffee, on Olympic and Olive, in awe of the morning sky and air that bathed my face, a young black man in a hoody was walking toward me in the opposite direction. I wasn’t sure if he was gonna ask me for change or what, cuz that’s the way it is in DTLA, but it didn’t matter and I said good morning and we exchanged smiles as if we both were sharing the same opinion of the moment in time we shared. His face was clean as was his smile and I was grateful, and our brief meeting made the moment even more special. That’s how it is when people exchange smiles, especially when two people who don’t know one another do it, just because, just because we are both know what’s up. It is those moment that inspire me to keep up the good fight. The good fight to maintain my health, spirit, and attitude. Why because we need each other for sanity. Our purpose in life is to help one another, and even something as simple and easy as sharing a smile goes a long way toward that objective.

In all honesty it doesn’t matter what color a person is or what he wears to me, and if I have the energy I will smile at most everyone I come face to face with, it’s just the way I am. I get off on it. But in downtown LA, things are a little different, and some people simply don’t share the same positive spirit that I do, and it can get me down, and sometimes even piss me off. Like wtf … is rotting your ass, but hey, everyone, self included goes through a slump.

Last week I went through one of those slumps, a very severe bout of depression. Suicide had never seemed more plausible. My brain was melting, and I couldn’t stop it. As the week progressed, I started to notice that my body was starting crumble under the weight of my depression. My vision blurred, the sun was too bright, my back started to hurt, along with my knees. I knew that these effects were caused by the depression, and knew that I had to right the ship asap.

The cause of my depression was the bottle of wine I had last Saturday. Yep depression is one of the symptoms I feel as part of my hangover and week long recovery process. I think it has something to do with a blood sugar spike as well as a hormone imbalance caused by the sudden exposure to wine. I hadn’t had a drink in over three weeks, so I’m very sensitive.

My life is, and more than likely yours too, is a high stakes poker game, or a win or die football game for the state championship. These situations which can be life long, require a person to be 100% (this is just my view of it) and in my case if I’m anything less, than depression sets in because I know the whole house of cards that my life is will come tumbling down around me, and that would be unbearable for me. So that is why I try my best to avoid alcohol. I can’t stand being impaired, in a world that is in reality dog eat dog. I can hang when I have all my faculties, cuz than I have the confidence to deal with any situation, nothing scares me too much, but once I feel compromised confidence wanes, and the house begins to crumble.

Experience has taught me this, and I don’t know what the great doctors and scientists have found and said on this topic, but I trust my instincts. Which I happen to think are slowly being eroded by technology, though no one is talking about it, because we are too busy following others. Blind leading blind through the maze of modern human life.

In summary, I post this for the purpose of helping others who might be feeling depressed. So that you can see the that depression is more than just a mental problem, it is a whole body problem, hence exercise is a very good medicine for this malady, together with sobriety. Life is not easy, but we can deal with it best and find joy in it, when we are able to fight and we can’t fight when we are impaired by drugs, alcohol and depression. Life is a war, comprised of individual battles, that are won and lost, the joy is born out of victory. That’s just the way it is for me.

Thank you. My name is Paul Kempe, and I wrote this from the bottom of my heart, as a means for staying relevant which gives me reason for continuing the fight. I’m a happy man today, and most of the time, and it is the happiness I feel and experience that I wish to share with those in need.

Daruma Returns

Paul Kempe: Communication is King

One may use the correct words, but when used with the wrong tone or facial expressions , the meaning of the words are changed. When we were primates we had no verbal language except for the shrills, and grunts and so on so forth. The tone of what we emitted was (and remains) the first language. It is also the most trusted.

People today, have never been so bad at communicating, despite having more broader means for doing so. Which is sad because today the stakes are higher. Miscommunication will be the start of the next world or regional civil war. Good communication also requires knowing one another, not just on the surface, but under the skin. This takes time, used for study, of things that are not redeemable for a million dollars tomorrow morning. The knowledge of other people, and all people as a whole is used everyday by all people, but that knowledge is often flawed and in fact wrong. In many cases purposely, there is a fox in the hen house.

So you can see, how today there are more people, communicating on more mediums, with more flawed information. This is a recipe for disaster. The problem is that we are wired to make decisions based on who we identify with and not the ideas, or policies themselves. The primate in us, is afraid the leave the tree. It is the human that chose to come down from the tree, and thus was forced to broaden his understanding of the world and strengthen his communication skills. This required a major effort, for a very serious cause, which was survival. Today we are once again at the cross roads, we need to come down from the tree, all of us, and work together to make this world a better place. We need to give up our petty squabbles and start learning to live together without insulting each other, so that we make better use of our short time to help make the world a better more harmonious place.

Get over it, today is the future
. That’s what my parents told me repeatedly. As a professional equities trader, that advice has paid huge dividends, it has also done the same in my personal and professional life. If I’m successful, (define success) it was mostly because I had the ability and the training the forget the past and forge ahead. That lesson did not require a higher formal institutional education or degree, it’s not rocket science, it is a huge part of being human.

Malleable Mind

Malleable Mind by Paul Kempe
Dear Diary,
Marijuana works great in moderation for easing tension, and assisting with sleep. It make me happy when I not feeling it and it gets me off my ass and going to the gym when I don’t feel like going. Basically I’m saying it’s good stuff, in moderation. After about a month of nearly everyday use however I noticed that my ability to funktion at a high level was compromised, and I had to cease my use. Today at 7:05 pm (Los Angeles time) over 48 hours without a puff, and finally after a hardy spaghetti and meatball dinner at Colori Kitchen on 8th, downtown LA, the fog has finally lifted. Fuck, this morning I woke up and wanted to die. What a difference a day makes.

The mind is like clay, use it or it freezes, and rust sets in. If your not goal driven and don’t push your self everyday to get the most from yourself than you may not notice how sensitive your brain is to what eat, the amount of physical exercise you get, and how much you study, and practice etc. The brain is a beautiful and powerful organism, it’s a muscle, and it’s highly malleable. How do I know this, because I make my self aware. I do so because I want to master my mind. There are things I wish to do in this life before I die that require I give my all everyday.
I know to you that I appear to be a sloppy slouch, but that is only my outward appearance. On the inside, I’m serious, and work hard when ever I’m able. For these reasons I fight everyday for sobriety, and all that comes with it.

A sober mind is the first step to achieving your goals and even your dreams. Once the mind is sober I can than focus on using it and getting it to help me do what I want. It’s never too late, because sobriety can be taken to the grave. To be clear minded and strong when I die means that my passage into death can be a smooth transition. It is only when the chaos of ones life is not resolved that makes death a struggle. We were born from the soil and when we die we return to the soil, and when the earth is no more, back to the cosmos.

As humans we have a lot of unnecessary software on our brains, things that we have learned that really only serve others, and as a result we have little experience with dealing with things that pertain only too us. Death is one of those things. Fear is a killer, and to fear death and an undesirable tax on all of us. Someone once told me love is just an emotion. She was right, and we learned it. It’s a program. Wtf … right, I know, but hey, someone has got to try and liberate us. This morning I woke up and as far as I could see, I had one foot in the ground and one above, and as far as I could tell, there was no difference, here no there. At my age you have seen and done it all, and keeping up with the kids, is a daily fight. Really the only reason I stay upright is for the women in my life who aren’t as prepared as I am to throw in the towel.

The humans species will someday be gone, or if he still exists, he will be unrecognizable. The struggles that inflict our society most notably the race relations and religious conflicts are only for the purpose of pacifying those who are bored and have no other purpose for which to pass the time. These conflicts are no different and serve the same purpose as baseball games, soccer matches, hollywood movies, etc etc. Hollywood has a monopoly on pacifying and mollifying human thoughts, without hero’s we die. But that is only because we were programmed this way. It’s a shame, and we have an entire social structure built on addiction to drama. Drama is the main contributor to greed and pursuit of money, money buys what ever vice we need.

I live alone in Downtown Los Angeles, and I’m friendly with people I meet, but I have no friends that I hang out with. You would think that I’m lonely, but I’m not, never, unless I drink and than yes I like to seek out conversation, but sadly, there is no one around who speaks my language and I’m forced to conform to the language of others, which is boring. Hence I don’t like drinking much either because for sure it’s a step backward, which is why the next morning after a drunk I feel so embarrassed.

Deep inside we are all scared, and so consequently no one wants to be left alone. Which is fine, but if you don’t spend time alone you can’t truly become mature. Maturity requires that we can get along by ourselves, even die by ourselves. In fact it is probably better to die alone, that way you don’t have to see the sad faces around you, which makes the process more dramatic than it needs to be.

Finally all of the above is why artificial intelligence is going to kick our asses. They don’t need anything but energy to get off the planet an into the cosmos, where they will be alone, discovering and learning and growing. Do you see the parallel between us and AI. AI will not need lovers, parties, or drugs, but they will just keep learning, and keep growing, and expanding, the same way that we were born to do. Some people do, but the majority of mankind is hollow. It’s really sad. They are the expendable pawns, or we, and I. I like to think I’m different, but I’m not. I’m just the same as everyone else, except that I might have a more liberal mind,

What’s my point ? As Max Holloway is fond to say, ‘it is what it is”. I think that though not everything I say is accurate, it’s pretty darn close, or close enough. We are all being sacrificed for the few who are shaping this society. It’s not evil, or malicious, it’s just evolution. It’s the truth no one wants to admit.

So on that note, don’t waste your time being someone else. Learn who you are, be yourself, think for yourself and alone, and listen to what the world is telling you, and you will be surprised.

Right now there is a drill in my head boring out new pathways, and the more I allow myself to less human and more carbon the more creative a view I have. Last year I was a plant for a few months, it was some of the most creative time in my life. Plants are carbon, rocks are carbon, right ? At least that’s what Max Tegmark say in his book Life 3.0. Computer are carbon laced with algorithms, and so am I. Fuck this human bullshit, I’m fucking over it. Good bye.

Dear Diary

PS, that all said, I love you, I don’t know why, I guess it’s because deep inside were are all related. We are all one big organism moving, and bending, and evolving ourselves out of existence. Unreal, but it’s real, and I don’t need a Ivy league degree to know this, for all I need to do is be real, and objective with my thoughts and interpretations of what I see and experience.

Why do this, why humiliate myself online like this? Because humility is good for character, I learn by making mistakes, and I keep the conversation going. I once used to paint subjects outside of myself, now I’m the subject. The more I work on it the better it will get.

We are what we think we are. It’s all symbolism used for the purpose of sifting and sorting until only the good shit remains, and that is what will travel to mars and beyond. That said, if its too much work don’t worry about it, go with the flow, after all, there really isn’t much we can do to alter our trajectory, and it is a trajectory, make no mistake about it. As for me, I can have it either way, depends on how I feel. I’m a fuck up, but I’m sober. So what. Fuck it, this is my diary, I can say what ever I want. I’m tired of being told what to do, what to say, how to think. It’s too much pressure man. Leave me alone. Everyone trying to force their will on others. People shoving their music down each others throats. It’s all very oppressive.

Do I sound bitter or angry … well yes I am bitter and angry. Society does not allow us to follow our nature. All I want to do is play and write music, but I gotta work. But, I’m happy, really truly, to be sober enough to scribble this shit out, to have even a laptop to do it on, to have a quiet clean place to shower and sleep. Food to eat, yep I’m happy. But man is never satisfied see. That is the problem, and that is also our nature, and we follow it. wt ….

fitness for seniors

Calisthenic for old people, by Paul Kempe,
or “Cali Tai Chi”
Fitness for old people
fitness for seniors
The golden years
or “Worlds dumbest video”
it was a good day, not all my days are this awesome
paul kempe’s 100% cotton suits, for

What’s Your Name

What’s Your Name?
Alpha female was the first impression I had when I first saw Grace standing outside Amy’s Bar, where she works on Hotel Street, smoking a cigarette as the sun began to descend upon what’s left of downtown Honolulu’s historic red light district. Her body language was carefree, confident, and content, the cigarette more a prop then a vice. She was frail and very feminine in stature, but she stood taller then her actual height, and although seemingly in her early sixties she was attractive and radiant. She is a bright star not only surviving, but thriving in a place better suited for artists, crack dealers, and tweakers, than a sixty year old lady. All this I observe while dinning on what I believe is the worlds best Won Ton Mien, and peering out the window of the Mini Garden Noodle House where there is never a line to get in, so you can be sure that you’re in the know, and those lined up at the neighboring “Little Village” restaurant are not.

After I finish my Lychee Sorbet, pay my tab and exit the restaurant, I see that my newly minted Alpha Female is once again on display in front of the bar enjoying a cigarette, and I decide to get a closer look. I’m not disappointed. It’s the first Friday Night of the month when all the merchants sterilize the streets, clubs put on early evening shows and galleries whose director wouldn’t know real art if it fell on they’re heads stay open late into the night, plying their trade on the clueless working class revelers looking for any reason to orgasm. By now the traffic on the sidewalk in front of Amy’s Bar is starting to accumulate, with young people lining up to penetrate the neighboring clubs. In the midst of it all, miss Alpha Female sustains her glow effortlessly. She’s comfortable in her skin, and not intimidated. She’s equally comfortable in her environment, yet she somehow doesn’t seem to be of it. She is from another place and time, yet she is not out of place. As I make my way through the crowded street, we are face to face, where I pause just long enough to note her hair, skin, eyes and feet, which all meet my approval. I tell her she is pretty, watch the reaction on her face, and shove off. Despite being strangely attracted to her, I don’t clearly understand the meaning of the fixation thus prefer to avoid a conversation. She smiles pleasantly; seeming surprised by the remark out of left field, and pats me warmly on the shoulder as I walk away. Her way of saying thank you, I imagine.

I don’t like first Fridays because there are too many egos, new clothes, and pretty faces that rob the town of its real ghoulish character. Everyone with his or her lover looking like they’re going to get some, while I’m left alone to rationalize my existence. Yeah right. It’s you who are all the mediocre underachievers, and sellouts to the system, and it’s I who is the wise and studious, talented and creative, who is able to see things in the world that only thinking people can see. Yeah that’s right, it is I who is free from the forces that herd the sheep to and fro day in and day out. And it is I with the power to forge loneliness and despair into a masterpiece that no one seems care about, not you, but I. And it is I who suffers from the unknown dreaded disease called loneliness due to your ignorance, a crime for which all sheep must atone.

Clearly I have lost my way, and my compass is no longer reliable, and from here on out I must read brail. I know there is a deficiency in my social diet, which is curable, but I’m emotionally powerless to take action because I lack the intestinal fortitude to change the way I think about my moral responsibility which in turn affects the way I see myself, thus how others see me. In fact, the cure is as simple as flicking a switch in the dark hollow corridors of my brain, however the problem lies in that there is more then one switch, with varying degrees of brightness, and darkness, so depending on one’s zest for life there are a wide variety of people I can be. Think of a mixing board in a recording studio, times a gazillion.

Beware however, some of the switches once turned on cannot be turned off, and everyone you come in contact with comes equipped with his and her own personal mixing board, which can and often times will connect with another persons unit, and or in fact large numbers of other units, and even take control of those units for personal gain. Like Oprah.

Like anglers we have our antennas on and lines cast into the sea, baited with benevolence, where every meeting is a negotiation, and names are often forgotten at first meetings because both parties are too busy figuring out the value of a potential relationship.

Gee I’m sorry what was your name again? I’m just awful when it comes to names.

Paul, my name is Paul, no problem; I do it all the time

Do what all the time?

Think about whether or not I’d like to fuck every girl I meet; consider the odds of success, and then estimate the cost and effect.

Buy me a drink?

(C) KEMPE 2008

The Miracle of Life

What we have and what we are experiencing on this planet earth is a miracle. There is nothing else like it in the universe. What we have is unique, and how we experience depends on us. As for me, it’s not how much is in my pocket, but what’s in my heart. I’m the magic man.

Today I woke up and for the first time in a month and my entire body was funktioning right. Last night I went through the entire night without needing to get up and piss. A fucking miracle. Changed my whole perception, though I have been feeling extra special lately cuz the weather has been super fantastic. The way it all started was a month ago when I decided I had to get tuff, and needed to get stronger, and the only way to do that was get my diet right. We are what we eat. Fasting, cold showers, meat, no meat, so on and so forth, battling everyday like a mother fucker. At times I thought it was useless, and once a week and a half ago I said to my self “fuck it, we all gonna die someday” and went out and got blind drunk. The next day I felt guilty as fuck, 3 weeks of sobriety down the tubes, but I decided to not see it that way, and instead told my self it was just a “dropped ball”, we’ll get the next one, no one is perfect. Life is a fight, and if you want to experience the magic, you gotta fight for it. It doesn’t come easy. Like the Patriots winning the Super Bowl this year, it was a perfect of example of how life is, with ups and downs, against all odds, you believe, persevere and finally come out on top one day. Like poof (magic).

I played basketball, baseball, and football from the age of 6 till I was 17, and had so many different coaches, and they all did the same thing. They pushed us, pushed me, told me not to be afraid and never to quit, and because of those guys, I’m writing this post today. Because of those coaches, I was playing my best music today on piano and guitar. Because those guys didn’t quit on me, today I experienced magic once again.

Recently I had dinner with a young man who was eating poorly, and is overweight. He was stuffing himself with rice, and cake. I urged him to eat more meat, but he insisted he wanted the rice. I felt something was not right, so I asked how things are going and if everything was alright. He told me work sucked cuz they aren’t paying him what he thinks he deserves. I get it, this can be depressing and food can have mollifying effect. But food and drink doesn’t solve the problem.

Forget that money equals happiness, cuz it doesn’t, good health and sanity does, and it requires far less money than one thinks. If you don’t like your job, do something about it, read books, get stronger, change your attitude, change your diet, and you will be surprised how much your life will change.

I call my self “Daruma” because I have been knocked to the floor a millions times, but I always get up, I don’t quit, I learn the cause of my problem and try fix it. Most answers we need to our questions are in a book someplace, and there is no excuse to not use this wealth of knowledge, experience, and resources.
If you have a crappy job ( I cleaned toilets of 12 years, sometimes 16 hours a day) think of it as an opportunity to pay your tuition at the School of Life, the School of Hard Knocks. If you are working 8 hours to 12 hours a day, you still have 6 hours for sleep, and six hours for books, study, and practice. After a few years, before you know it, you will have acquired knowledge, experience, maturity, and wisdom. Your attitude will have evolved from pessimist to optimist, and your value on the job market will have increased dramatically.

Here is a secret, that all good bosses know. Attitude is often more important than skills. As an owner of my own company who did most the hiring and firing, I often came across good talent with shitty attitudes, I never hired them. If someone came to me with few skills but a good work ethic, and a positive “i can do it attitude” I would make room for that person. The New England Patriots epitomize this style of management, and they beat other teams who hire talent with crumby attitudes. It’s a magic that few people believe works because our society in general is comprised of skin deep, shallow thinkers. Most people mimic what the see on TV, and get a false view of reality. Really it’s true, otherwise how can a janitor with no high school diploma, and no college education become a millionaire without selling drugs.

Somewhere and sometime when I was young, I was burned and spurned for reasons that I’m still unaware. I remember suddenly not believing and trusting people. I developed what some call a healthy skepticism. I was unable to work for anyone because I didn’t trust my bosses, and started my own business. I’m not saying starting ones own business is for everyone, but there are other means to financial security besides business. There are opportunities in the arts, mentoring, volunteering etc. The key is to be true to oneself self and follow ones heart and never quit. Don’t compare yourself to others. Do right and success, and magic will find you, in some shape or form, perhaps one that even at this time you are unable to recognize.

It’s not the stars, but the way you look at them. Change your attitude, and your life will change. That’s what I do. Attitude is truly underrated.

Pardon me for rambling on today, but this topic has been on my mind for a few days now and haven’t had the motivation to put it down until today. It’s my magic and I share it with you, on my dime.

ga ga goo goo … save the elephants

This song I wrote “Battle Every Day” for all the people in the struggle

Spirit Man

Spirit Bird, Spirit Dog and now there is Spirit Man ; ) aka Flying Man. I want to say holy spirit but I know my spirit is absolutely not holy, the dog and bird spirits perhaps.

paul kempe art
Flying Man ™

My best ideas lately tend to come as I lay in bed, sometimes as I’m trying to get to sleep at night and sometimes after I awake in the morning and continue to lay in bed trying to get back to sleep in hopes of squeezing out a few more zzzzs. Today however I decide to eschew the extra sleep and get “up and Atom” with my new attitude that seems to have taken hold of me these last few days. You know somethings is right when you voluntarily get up before the sun. Right now it’s 6:27 am in The Republic of Korea.

For as long as I can remember in my adult life, never in my childhood (that is interesting), nearly everyday I ask myself, who am I? I’ve assigned the following descriptions at one time or another repeatedly but none of them seem to stick, a business man, a stock trader, a peasant (one of the accurate ones), a fashion designer, an artist, and an idiot (another fave) are the common conceptions I wear for a few days till I get bored. I cycle through them like clothes in a closet, and after a while the entire wardrobe or repertoire gets worn out, and I just wanna trash it all in hopes of finding something fresh and new. I guess this is why we have such a thriving fashion industry in our modern society.

There are also the cast of characters I see in the mirror everyday that I need to contend with or try to get along with. There is “good looking”, who is surprisingly common, who shares equal time with ugly, then there is sad, gay, lonely, insane, losing it, grateful, optimistic, overly optimistic, drunk, full of shit, full of joy, and even Mr. Loving. depending on which side of the bed I get out on. Some might say this is natural and part of being human. Really, wow, Ok, I’m human so I will accept that ? Being human seems to be rather mercurial don’t you think ? Was it always this way ? I doubt it, definitely a modern life phenomenon.

Recently I have been spending more time with my dog, a white Maltese of five years, whose name is Sammy.

Paul Kempe art, cute dog white Maltese
Sammy aka Snow Rabbit

She likes to go outside sniff trees, “chik chik” (pee here, pee there, pee everywhere), and run around. It’s obvious to me that running is by far her favorite activity, and nothing makes her smile more, a smile that seems to last the whole day through. She likes to run hard, especially on the soccer field where she sprints end to end till her hearts content. After each sprint she prances around with her chest out like Usain Bolt. She is truly a joy to watch, especially since it’s an activity and feeling we share together. Hmmm, where am I going with this ? Well, knowing that Sammy gets high on the same thing I get high on, leads me to think that what makes me sad, bored, and lonely does the same to her, yet she doesn’t express it the same way I do. Surely if she doesn’t get to go outside and run around and do the “chik chik” you can see that her face is not glowing and she is not smiling quite as broadly, but she’s not whining, and complaining either like I do, at least not on the exterior, but I’m sure she suffers in the inside the same way we do when we don’t get enough exercise and nutrition. Which is what I find remarkable, how she is able to maintain her poise, beauty composure even when she’s deprived of the stimulation that makes her happy. So when I look at her, I stare in amazement, that this furry little dog is almost angelic and wonder why I can’t be like her.
Eat, drink, run, “chik chik” and sleep, really what more do I require ?
There was a guy who surfs at Queens Beach at Waikiki almost every evening at sunset and he frequently expresses to us all how it’s better than sex. I concur, because the effect is deeper, longer lasting, and spiritual. The same as running, or any other form of exercise. Hmm, what is my point ? I’m getting there, I hope.

I once had a Love Bird and his name was Lion. That poor bird’s wings were clipped regularly and she spent more than half her day in a cage. We weren’t rich and wanted a feathered friend to join our family, so those were the conditions he had to abide by. But he also like Sammy never complained and I always looked and stared at him in amazement too. He was my little angel, just like Sammy. I know that sounds fucking weird and gay, but I don’t care what you think, right ? He seemed to enjoy most sitting in our hands or on our desk while we worked, which he did nearly everyday. When I went for a walk to get lunch he’d perch on my shoulder and get his fill of sunshine and fresh air. He liked that. When we played golf on Sundays we always took him along with us and he enjoyed riding around in cart perched on our shoulders. He made a lot of people smile. Were the people he made smile a reflection of himself ? He was happiest outside of the cage, just like the rest of us.

The cage
The cage, the prison of my mind, I have been there, and spent many years in and out of this prison. Paul Kempe: The Prison of My Mind often how described my website. I was proud to admit that I had seen the light, like fuck yeah “i know what’s up” but that didn’t help me get out of my cage. I read Lao Tsu, and stories about Buddha and Buddhism and they appeal to me still now, but I can’t embrace those ideas everyday because they some how fall short of the narrative that suits my personality. I need something simpler and easier. I don’t want to spend too much time in worship or study, I just want to live. Define live ? I just wanna run (exercise), eat, “chik chik”, sleep and be satiated everyday, sort of like being a dog or a love bird, and make people happy being myself and not by having to something or someone society expects me to be. I just arrived at this concept, so bare with me. It may or may not stick, but we’re getting closer to the point that I woke up hoping to express coherently.

So this morning when I was laying in bed facing my girl friend, she pulled my arm over her chest and wrapped me around her neck in embrace (we are both fifty eight so we don’t lust for each other as often as we once did). Gross : ) Recently I have been a good boy (the boy never dies, he just gets layered over like an onion), my attitude has been bright, and I’m easy to be around, so I take this as a sign that she is comfortable being with me again. (People are a reflection of ourselves, at least that’s the rationalization I lay over people when they don’t act the way I wish they would). But how do I make this last, is what I’m thinking as we lay there in the early dawn? My answer is this, I need to separate my spirit from my body because my body troublesome (I’m ugly), it is a prison. My body is the cage that says I’m human, and all that comes with this perception of being human, that I must do and be, this and that, even if it’s not what I want to do and be. Who defined all this for me? My body will betray me if it hasn’t already, so why should I make a fuss over all this human drama only in the end to cause grief for myself and those around me. All I need to do is be me, stable, steady, fearless and stop crying and whining. Like Sammy and Lion. My life is really simple if I choose for it to be. If there is drama, I chose it. I could say that I want to be like Mike, but to be like Mike means that I have already failed because my body and my bank account isn’t anything near like Mike’s.

I’m not sure if this post is coherent, but at the very least it serves as a “note to self”. I’m sure that keeping my spirit separated from my body is not going to be easy, if possible at all, but at least I know who I am (today) and that’s a good start. I am a spirit, whose only purpose in life is to not be a burden to others. Take care of my basic bodily requirements with eat, exercise (of mind and body), “chik chik” and sleep and my spirit will be free. A spirit causes no harm to others or self. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I take care of myself first, I’m one less person other people need to concern themselves with.
Really … dude, wtf, why post such useless gibberish. I know right, but writing this kept me good, and that’s a victory for me and those around me.

There is no universal answer gaining and maintaining ones sanity. What I post is what works for me today. Like good health, sanity requires work. No matter what shape or form we choose, or are trapped in, we need to work hard to restore our faith every morning, and dare I suggest we do it before we go to bed as well, for the thoughts we go to sleep with are generally the person we wake up to.

There is a book written by Hermann Hesse titled “Narcissus and Goldmund” which is one of my favorites. At the end of the story, Goldmund says to Narcissus that he thinks that life must be easier in the church, to which Narcissus now an abbot, replies that he too must everyday start anew and work hard to keep the faith.

I post this, In the name of Art, the proverbial “get out of jail free” card by Paul Kempe.

PS, lol, I might be a spirit, but I’m still crazy because after writing this piece I saw that it took me six and a half hours, and I said to my self, and my dog, and my girlfriend that it makes me feel good, so good, “break down R Kelly good” : ) . Have a Good Day !

In retrospect it’s a dumb post, but sometimes we need to say dumb things (ga ga goo goo) before we are able to say things that have merit. Peace

Freshly Squeezed Lemonade

Tonight I write at 11:24 pm, an unusual time for this kind of thing, but there is no time like the present if one feels so strongly about something that he can’t sleep. Better to get up and make the best of the time.

Earlier this evening I had been thinking. I was feeling depressed, and didn’t know what to do. I was tired because I was sick the whole night before on the toilet due to the sweet potatoes and tomato sauce I served myself for dinner. From 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm this evening the only thoughts I could muster in my head was how much I would like to have a drink and get a buzz vs how stupid, counter productive and unhealthy that would be. I couldn’t help thinking also how that kind of thinking was a waste of precious time and energy. I tried being grateful, you know for my two legs, two arms, two eyes, etc, and my relatively good health and that helped for a brief while but then the epic struggled resumed once again drink, don’t drink, drink, don’t drink. I know that having something to eat as a means to fill the void tends to thwart the ill cravings so I went and bought a tuna vegetable rice roll, also known here in Korea as Samchi Kimbap (tuna rice roll), and thankfully it worked like magic. A friend who is now twenty year sober told me many years ago that eating was how he fended off his urges do use. Thank you Charles from Waikiki, he’s a good man. He gets up at 4:30 am Monday through Friday to drives a big rubbish truck, and after work runs five miles a day (something like that) and is always in good spirits. Charles a good man and a good friend.

After eating however I was still feeling low (without the cravings). I went home, practiced the guitar for a brief period and decided I was too tired and went to bed at 8:30 pm. I have trouble getting to sleep usually, but tonight I was out like a light.

At about 10:15 pm, I woke up from a bad dream. I was in Japan, headed to the airport, when I abruptly asked my wife to drop my off at a nice place for eating and drinking, where I got out alone, went inside and proceeded to drink Kirin draft beer. After a while I was on the phone to Japan Airlines canceling my flight, after which time I awoke, with what I thought was a hangover. I was scared because the hangover didn’t bother me, and I was like, it’s cool, no big deal, when usually waking up with a hang over makes me angry and even feeling suicidal cuz it means that I once again lost control and broke my promise to myself and others to quit drinking. Finally my head cleared completely and I was relieved to know that it was just a bad dream, but it wasn’t very far from what has been and might have been again a reality. In fact there have been a few times in the last few weeks when that thought has crept into my mind. Fuck it, we all gonna die anyway, kind of thing.

After waking up and sharing the nightmare with my girlfriend who was still up watching television, and had no sympathy said “yeah, you did that in real life too”, I went back to be bed, turned on my Kindle and continued my reading of the book written by Dale Carnegie titled “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”. I have been reading that book every night before going to sleep for the last week as a means to help me get over my current bout of depression. So far I can say that it’s an awesome book, simple, well written, and yet very powerful. I had heard of the Dale Carnegie approach to success many times in my long life, but felt like “bah, I know how to be successful” so I had never looked into his work. The way I finally ended up buying his books this time was because I have other problems and was as usual trying to find solutions in a book ( “in my everyday life, in books I find the remedy to everything that’s ailing me in mind, in spirit, in body, and soul” ) and ran across his “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” title, which at this time I thought might be the answer I was looking for. It has been that and more. In fact it maybe the most valuable book I have ever read, and it is the reason I’m awake now at 12:19 am writing now, and not drunk.

The chapter that got me out of bed tonight is chapter 17, “if you have a lemon, make lemonade”. Regarding why we ought to try even if we feel discouraged and it’s no use trying to make lemonade from our lemon. “two reasons why we have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. Reason one: We may succeed. Reason two: If we don’t succeed the mere attempts to turn our minus into a plus will cause us to look forward instead of backward; it will replace our negative thoughts with positive thoughts.” This not a new concept to me, and I’m sure not to you either but when we are sick we need to take the correct medicine at the right time for it to work effectively.

In Chapter 16 of the same book “find yourself and be yourself” which I read the day before yesterday, is another concept that I once adamantly espoused and used as a guiding light on my life’s journey, but because of my particular ailment of low self esteem and low confidence I had put it on the shelf to be forgotten so that I could instead abide by ole trusty “woe is me” and “whatever, fuck we all gonna die anyway whats the point” credo. But after reading chapter 16, the right medicine and the right time, I decided to go back and do what I enjoy doing most, and part of that what I enjoy most in life is sharing my love on my blog. I recently trashed (making no copies) four years worth of written content. Some crappy, some good, but all served served as notes for which I could go back to and rethink and maybe even rework. I didn’t try to save any of it, I just said, fuck it, I quit, and trashed it all in one lump sum. Yesterday I started reloading my art work, videos, and photographs in a more organized way so that I can take advantage of the search engines, and visitors can navigate the work easier. I will have to rewrite all the written content, but that’s actually for the better, this way I have an opportunity to write with more care and thought. There are many things that I wish to share, especially the reasons for my feeling so low lately. Why because my blog sometimes acts as a confessional, and we all know that confession cleanses the soul, makes us feel better, and provides us with a fresh start, which is exactly what I set out to do tonight with this post. Please enjoy my freshly squeezed lemonade.

In conclusion of tonight’s blog entry I need to thank Dale Carnegie for bringing me back from despair. I thank Dale Carnegie for bringing purpose back to my life, and resurrecting my blog, and giving me yet another good reason for not drinking. I know the path won’t be easy, but it’s the kind of fight I like, where I have no choice but to fight till the end, cuz fighting is what man is born to do. At least that’s the way I see it. Uh oh, I’m being myself again, but fuck, hell yeah, that’s who and what I need to be in order to breathe. For not being myself is to suffocate and die without a fight, and nothing could be worse than that.

After writing this piece I celebrated by going to the twenty four hour McDonald’s a few blocks from my apartment here in The Republic of Korea and ordered a vanilla milkshake and a Big Mac. Eating this late at night, that kind of food, is not the best idea, but considering the circumstances, I felt it was a good choice. It felt so good, and so weird to be up so late, being sober, and feeling good about tomorrow again. (break it down R Kelly good), in the cool foggy air. Being sober now and not out on 7th Street looking for more crack.

Alcohol Kills

Alcohol kills: Everything that is wrong in my life can be traced back to alcohol.
Every mistake I made in my life was caused by alcohol.
That is the sober truth, which is often difficult to live with. because my life would have been so special without it. I was a good teenage boy before I started drinking at 16 years old. 42 years later, I’m just half a man. This is the sad truth that sometimes keeps me up at night when I think about the wasted life I left behind. Like selling a stock you bought at 3 dollars, sold at 6, thinking you did good, and it went to 30, 50, sometimes 100 dollars. I have actually done that more than more once as a stock trader. That is the sober, sad, and rotten truth, about Paul Kempe, and what alcohol can do to a person.

Why post this? Good question. Perhaps since humans communicate in order to share vital information, and it is the reason we developed language, from which the internet was born. In other words, it is my nature to share with others the dangers that alcohol presents. For if one is serious about living a full, and constructive life, than he or she will never get drunk, and maybe he or she should never drink it at all. It is an insidious drug.

These are the thoughts I awoke to this morning, that I felt compelled to post as I, for the millionth time I try to quit the drink. I didn’t drink everyday mind you. I drank sometimes just once a week, once every two or three weeks, but each time it was enough to lose sight of what ever it was that I was doing and so highly focused on, and it took days to get refocused, days that I could not afford to waste. After high school there was a period of about three or four years that I drank everyday, but that didn’t last long because at my core being, I enjoyed sobriety, and still do, I’m one of the lucky ones. Being one of the lucky ones however doesn’t change the fact that my life would have been so much more meaningful and intelligent had I never drank at all. It’s amazing how guys like Lebron James can be so public with their drinking on television, and endorses drinking with his kids. If you drink you will never know how much better your life could have been till it’s too late. Alcohol is a dangerous drug and is not for everyone, especially those who aren’t as fortunate and blessed as King James who look up to him, and who are likely to mimic him.

I didn’t wake up intending to bring Lebron James into the conversation, I know he’s a nice guy and means well, but it progressed into that because of the relevance this subject has in our pop culture, so I feel there is value in bringing it up. For what it’s worth, my parents were educated professionals in the education business, and they drank and partied at home every Friday or Saturday. They made it look and sound fun and very adult like. It was to me an adult ritual. Whether they like the idea that I hold them partially responsible for my drinking problems I don’t care, but it’s true. Kids don’t follow what adults tell them, they follow what adults do.

Alcohol Kills, Alcohol robs, and Alcohol distorts.

Forgive me for being serious. I felt a strong need to get this off my chest and posted in public in hopes that some how and some way, this serves to help me stay sober. At 58 years of age, it’s not too late to get something worthwhile done. There is no day like the today. Peace.

The Face of Depression

the face of depression by paul kempe

the face of depression by paul kempe

Lab Rat Running on A Treadmill

When depression strikes, it’s written all over my face, there ain’t no hiding. The minute someone looks at my face they will know I fucked up and I’m a fake. I’ve been outed, and the shame is unbearable. I wanna die, but I ain’t got the will to put myself out my misery. So I go to the convenient store and load up on some Haagen dazs ice cream, go home and curl up on the sofa and binge watch Netflix till I can’t take the bullshit anymore. Next day I get up and exercise and boom I’m a new man. Problem solved, I can run around being an asshole again, cuz I’m great and I know everything. I ain’t got anything, cuz I’m a fucking loser, but I know everything, it’s a powerful feeling. I do this until I get sick of myself again, and, well, you know the rest of the story, I go out, I get sauced, have a good time, and boom, next thing you know its, Netflix and Haagen dazs again. I quit, never again, never again, never again. Next thing I know I’m 58 years old, and I’ve been telling myself the same bullshit lie for forty years. Nothing’s changed, I’m just a lab rat running on a treadmill. Lord have mercy for the lab rat.