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Cheap and Good

The day that was yesterday August 5, 2019

The day started with nearly no sleep the night before, because I haven’t recovered yet from the South Korean time zone. By 11:00 am I had already consumed 7 shots of Starbucks espresso.
By 1:00 pm, I was so tired and weak I could barely walk to get myself something to eat.
For lunch I opted for half a rotisserie chicken, no rice, no vegies just the protein. Within minutes I was re-energized. After lunch I decided to buy some weed, to smoke in the event I felt the urge to take a nap, which would have prevented me from getting to sleep at night. I went to Shivas on Hill Street and bought the cheapest that looked the best. I have been buying the most expensive that looks the best in the past, but I didn’t feel it was all that stony, and wanted something that provides more of a buzz. Something cheap and good. Like with wine, just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it’s good. Sure enough I got lucky and the stuff I bought was cheap and good. After I took a few puffs to learn what exactly I had procured, my buzz started, and I decided to head over to the YMCA for some calisthenics. I ended up playing for two and a half hours from 2:30 to 5:00 pm. Cheap and good, yep that’s the way to go.

While I stretching after dancing at Pershing Square as I like to do on my way to the YMCA, I nice lady came over and offered me a drink of water from her Aquafina bottle. I was a little surprised, and said no thank you. The woman said, yes right, of course not, and stammered off as though angry. I watched her walk away, wondering what that was about, but came to no conclusion. I was still in my meditation zone, and really didn’t have space for outside thoughts at that moment. A few minutes later, I was done stretching, and continued my adventure to the YMCA, as made my exit from the park, I saw the lady sitting down on the wall, with a younger male friend. I was startled because just a few moments earlier she was walking in the opposite direction so I didn’t expect to see her there. I still failed to understand the meaning of her water offering, until a minute later and I was no longer in the park, and I felt bad. She wanted to meet me, and she is shy, so the water offering was intended to create an opportunity for us to perhaps talk a bit, and get to know each other. She and her friend had been watching me dance around the park for 15 minutes or so, so she had a pretty good sense of the kind of person I was, and she decided I might be compatible in some shape, or color. She was an attractive woman with a healthy tanned body and about my age, a little younger. She was also very shy, it appeared to me in retrospect, and I was sorry that I didn’t comprehend all this earlier. Had I known this when she stammered away feeling embarrassed because I rejected her water offering, I would have ran after her, and told her not to feel bad, I was in another world and unaware of what was going on. I felt bad that she reached out to me and I let her down. I was dumb and slow, as usual. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I’m pretty sure, it’s the way I see it to be.

I’m two weeks sober today. Yeah, the two week mark is when I notice the neuro genesis begin to kick in, and I start to progress, instead of marking time.

Yesterday was the first time in a couple months that I have felt the magic that life is. I felt strong, and sure. I felt good from lunch time on. It was a good day. Somethings could have been better, but it’s never perfect. We must always take the good with the bad. Life is peaks and valleys, “like a roller coaster” as Mauricio from Starbucks said it this morning at 4:45 am, and I said, indeed, and “all we need to do is learn to ride it”.

If you want anything good to happen from this life, you gotta will it. If you are more or less in good health, that is half the battle, the other half is your attitude. You gotta make your own magic. You gotta love yourself, and believe in yourself, and when you do that, others will like you better too.

Peace. Have a good day.
This Paul Kempe aka Daruma
Live No Scrimmage

Mental Health Comes First and Foremost

Good morning from Downtown Los Angeles.
It is 7:21 am and it’s absolutely beautiful outside. The air is cool, and the sky is filled with the magic of what a new day is about in a free society.
As I walked back from Starbucks slowly, with my coffee, on Olympic and Olive, in awe of the morning sky and air that bathed my face, a young black man in a hoody was walking toward me in the opposite direction. I wasn’t sure if he was gonna ask me for change or what, cuz that’s the way it is in DTLA, but it didn’t matter and I said good morning and we exchanged smiles as if we both were sharing the same opinion of the moment in time we shared. His face was clean as was his smile and I was grateful, and our brief meeting made the moment even more special. That’s how it is when people exchange smiles, especially when two people who don’t know one another do it, just because, just because we are both know what’s up. It is those moment that inspire me to keep up the good fight. The good fight to maintain my health, spirit, and attitude. Why because we need each other for sanity. Our purpose in life is to help one another, and even something as simple and easy as sharing a smile goes a long way toward that objective.

In all honesty it doesn’t matter what color a person is or what he wears to me, and if I have the energy I will smile at most everyone I come face to face with, it’s just the way I am. I get off on it. But in downtown LA, things are a little different, and some people simply don’t share the same positive spirit that I do, and it can get me down, and sometimes even piss me off. Like wtf … is rotting your ass, but hey, everyone, self included goes through a slump.

Last week I went through one of those slumps, a very severe bout of depression. Suicide had never seemed more plausible. My brain was melting, and I couldn’t stop it. As the week progressed, I started to notice that my body was starting crumble under the weight of my depression. My vision blurred, the sun was too bright, my back started to hurt, along with my knees. I knew that these effects were caused by the depression, and knew that I had to right the ship asap.

The cause of my depression was the bottle of wine I had last Saturday. Yep depression is one of the symptoms I feel as part of my hangover and week long recovery process. I think it has something to do with a blood sugar spike as well as a hormone imbalance caused by the sudden exposure to wine. I hadn’t had a drink in over three weeks, so I’m very sensitive.

My life is, and more than likely yours too, is a high stakes poker game, or a win or die football game for the state championship. These situations which can be life long, require a person to be 100% (this is just my view of it) and in my case if I’m anything less, than depression sets in because I know the whole house of cards that my life is will come tumbling down around me, and that would be unbearable for me. So that is why I try my best to avoid alcohol. I can’t stand being impaired, in a world that is in reality dog eat dog. I can hang when I have all my faculties, cuz than I have the confidence to deal with any situation, nothing scares me too much, but once I feel compromised confidence wanes, and the house begins to crumble.

Experience has taught me this, and I don’t know what the great doctors and scientists have found and said on this topic, but I trust my instincts. Which I happen to think are slowly being eroded by technology, though no one is talking about it, because we are too busy following others. Blind leading blind through the maze of modern human life.

In summary, I post this for the purpose of helping others who might be feeling depressed. So that you can see the that depression is more than just a mental problem, it is a whole body problem, hence exercise is a very good medicine for this malady, together with sobriety. Life is not easy, but we can deal with it best and find joy in it, when we are able to fight and we can’t fight when we are impaired by drugs, alcohol and depression. Life is a war, comprised of individual battles, that are won and lost, the joy is born out of victory. That’s just the way it is for me.

Thank you. My name is Paul Kempe, and I wrote this from the bottom of my heart, as a means for staying relevant which gives me reason for continuing the fight. I’m a happy man today, and most of the time, and it is the happiness I feel and experience that I wish to share with those in need.

Daruma Returns

The Miracle of Life

What we have and what we are experiencing on this planet earth is a miracle. There is nothing else like it in the universe. What we have is unique, and how we experience depends on us. As for me, it’s not how much is in my pocket, but what’s in my heart. I’m the magic man.

Today I woke up and for the first time in a month and my entire body was funktioning right. Last night I went through the entire night without needing to get up and piss. A fucking miracle. Changed my whole perception, though I have been feeling extra special lately cuz the weather has been super fantastic. The way it all started was a month ago when I decided I had to get tuff, and needed to get stronger, and the only way to do that was get my diet right. We are what we eat. Fasting, cold showers, meat, no meat, so on and so forth, battling everyday like a mother fucker. At times I thought it was useless, and once a week and a half ago I said to my self “fuck it, we all gonna die someday” and went out and got blind drunk. The next day I felt guilty as fuck, 3 weeks of sobriety down the tubes, but I decided to not see it that way, and instead told my self it was just a “dropped ball”, we’ll get the next one, no one is perfect. Life is a fight, and if you want to experience the magic, you gotta fight for it. It doesn’t come easy. Like the Patriots winning the Super Bowl this year, it was a perfect of example of how life is, with ups and downs, against all odds, you believe, persevere and finally come out on top one day. Like poof (magic).

I played basketball, baseball, and football from the age of 6 till I was 17, and had so many different coaches, and they all did the same thing. They pushed us, pushed me, told me not to be afraid and never to quit, and because of those guys, I’m writing this post today. Because of those coaches, I was playing my best music today on piano and guitar. Because those guys didn’t quit on me, today I experienced magic once again.

Recently I had dinner with a young man who was eating poorly, and is overweight. He was stuffing himself with rice, and cake. I urged him to eat more meat, but he insisted he wanted the rice. I felt something was not right, so I asked how things are going and if everything was alright. He told me work sucked cuz they aren’t paying him what he thinks he deserves. I get it, this can be depressing and food can have mollifying effect. But food and drink doesn’t solve the problem.

Forget that money equals happiness, cuz it doesn’t, good health and sanity does, and it requires far less money than one thinks. If you don’t like your job, do something about it, read books, get stronger, change your attitude, change your diet, and you will be surprised how much your life will change.

I call my self “Daruma” because I have been knocked to the floor a millions times, but I always get up, I don’t quit, I learn the cause of my problem and try fix it. Most answers we need to our questions are in a book someplace, and there is no excuse to not use this wealth of knowledge, experience, and resources.
If you have a crappy job ( I cleaned toilets of 12 years, sometimes 16 hours a day) think of it as an opportunity to pay your tuition at the School of Life, the School of Hard Knocks. If you are working 8 hours to 12 hours a day, you still have 6 hours for sleep, and six hours for books, study, and practice. After a few years, before you know it, you will have acquired knowledge, experience, maturity, and wisdom. Your attitude will have evolved from pessimist to optimist, and your value on the job market will have increased dramatically.

Here is a secret, that all good bosses know. Attitude is often more important than skills. As an owner of my own company who did most the hiring and firing, I often came across good talent with shitty attitudes, I never hired them. If someone came to me with few skills but a good work ethic, and a positive “i can do it attitude” I would make room for that person. The New England Patriots epitomize this style of management, and they beat other teams who hire talent with crumby attitudes. It’s a magic that few people believe works because our society in general is comprised of skin deep, shallow thinkers. Most people mimic what the see on TV, and get a false view of reality. Really it’s true, otherwise how can a janitor with no high school diploma, and no college education become a millionaire without selling drugs.

Somewhere and sometime when I was young, I was burned and spurned for reasons that I’m still unaware. I remember suddenly not believing and trusting people. I developed what some call a healthy skepticism. I was unable to work for anyone because I didn’t trust my bosses, and started my own business. I’m not saying starting ones own business is for everyone, but there are other means to financial security besides business. There are opportunities in the arts, mentoring, volunteering etc. The key is to be true to oneself self and follow ones heart and never quit. Don’t compare yourself to others. Do right and success, and magic will find you, in some shape or form, perhaps one that even at this time you are unable to recognize.

Finally:
It’s not the stars, but the way you look at them. Change your attitude, and your life will change. That’s what I do. Attitude is truly underrated.

Pardon me for rambling on today, but this topic has been on my mind for a few days now and haven’t had the motivation to put it down until today. It’s my magic and I share it with you, on my dime.

ga ga goo goo … save the elephants

This song I wrote “Battle Every Day” for all the people in the struggle

Let It Go

let it go let it go let it go let it go or let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go ? What ever the case “let it go”. Let go of fear, be brave, and you will be free. You can go to church, meditate, and practice yoga till your blue in the face, but unless you let go of fear, your (my life) life will be a pain. Running away doesn’t solve my problem, but facing it without fear, and being brave does. Breathing deeply, and being strong of mind, and body (as much as possible) are the tools I use to carve out my existence. To exercise is to exorcise my fears, desires, and hunger. When I run, I breathe deeply, exhale and let it go. When I walk in the mountains, I breathe deeply, exhale and “let it go”. Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, when I’m in my bed late at night and early in the morning unable to sleep, I chant “let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, breathe (inhale deeply), let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go. It’s similar to the Buddhist chant “nam myoho renge kyo” the only difference being is that you can know that somewhere, someplace there is someone else chanting the same as you, at the very same time. That is comforting I suppose, but if I’m to be brave and fearless than why would I need comfort. Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, comfort is never a certainty that can or should be depended on, for it is forever ephemeral until we die, at which time it is a certainty that is everlasting. Thus fear nothing, cling to no one and anything, but be free, and let it go. Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, exhale, let it go, let it go.

There that is my credo, and my spiritual advice to myself and anyone else. It is my mantra, book, and guide as I try and navigate this life. Is there something missing, should I have a higher power, or a god of some kind ? Yes I do believe that my higher power is represented in those people I love who I leave behind. They are the source of my wealth that I hope satisfies them as much as it satisfies me. All that I do while I’m alive, striving to be brave, fearless, strong, good, and healthy, I should do for the people I love, thus I have invested in my higher power, thus invested in my sanity, mental, and spiritual health. I do this expecting nothing in return, but the gratification in knowing that I have loved. I must not cling, for clinging generates fear of losing, and losing is “letting go” and I cannot afford to fear “letting go” for “letting go” is my fuel and my salvation. To “let it go” is to be free, free from the shackles of societies idea of what life is or should be, to whom or which I would like to say “fuck you, you don’t know me or own me” but than I would have to own it, owning anything is an impediment to “letting it go”.

But are there somethings which I should not let go of like, and especially love ? Well, to love is to give, not to own, so no, even in love I must “let it go” like Aloha. If Aloha is an expression of love, and the “ha” in aloha means breath, than well, the Hawaiians are genius.

I sprang out of bed at 2:00 am February 3rd, 2019 to write this because I was chanting “let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, breathe, let it go, let it go” and felt inspired to share this with you (who I don’t don’t know, it doesn’t matter). Why ? I guess I love you. Sounds kind a corny, but love is real, contagious, and healing. Love is a spiritual expression. Love is a power that can cause insanity when held in and not released. Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.

But love alone is not enough. Life is fight, every day a battle that requires fearless, bravery. At the end of the day, I may have won or lost the battle, but if I fought with all my might, than it means I left it all on the battle field, gave it all I had, and had “let it go”. Now I can lay my head down on my pillow knowing I did the best I could, that I did good, and that is a good feeling. Money cannot buy that. Fuck money, don’t chase the money, make it follow you.

Disclaimer:
I’m not a Saint of a Preacher, in fact I often think I’m the worst fuck up on the planet, but I’m Daruma, and I get back up and try again. No one, and I mean no one, is fucking perfect, and we all gonna go to heaven someday. That makes us all equal. Have no fear, let it go, be brave, and I will be happy.

ga ga goo goo