Malleable Mind by Paul Kempe
Marijuana works great in moderation for easing tension, and assisting with sleep. It make me happy when I not feeling it and it gets me off my ass and going to the gym when I don’t feel like going. Basically I’m saying it’s good stuff, in moderation. After about a month of nearly everyday use however I noticed that my ability to funktion at a high level was compromised, and I had to cease my use. Today at 7:05 pm (Los Angeles time) over 48 hours without a puff, and finally after a hardy spaghetti and meatball dinner at Colori Kitchen on 8th, downtown LA, the fog has finally lifted. Fuck, this morning I woke up and wanted to die. What a difference a day makes.
The mind is like clay, use it or it freezes, and rust sets in. If your not goal driven and don’t push your self everyday to get the most from yourself than you may not notice how sensitive your brain is to what eat, the amount of physical exercise you get, and how much you study, and practice etc. The brain is a beautiful and powerful organism, it’s a muscle, and it’s highly malleable. How do I know this, because I make my self aware. I do so because I want to master my mind. There are things I wish to do in this life before I die that require I give my all everyday.
I know to you that I appear to be a sloppy slouch, but that is only my outward appearance. On the inside, I’m serious, and work hard when ever I’m able. For these reasons I fight everyday for sobriety, and all that comes with it.
A sober mind is the first step to achieving your goals and even your dreams. Once the mind is sober I can than focus on using it and getting it to help me do what I want. It’s never too late, because sobriety can be taken to the grave. To be clear minded and strong when I die means that my passage into death can be a smooth transition. It is only when the chaos of ones life is not resolved that makes death a struggle. We were born from the soil and when we die we return to the soil, and when the earth is no more, back to the cosmos.
As humans we have a lot of unnecessary software on our brains, things that we have learned that really only serve others, and as a result we have little experience with dealing with things that pertain only too us. Death is one of those things. Fear is a killer, and to fear death and an undesirable tax on all of us. Someone once told me love is just an emotion. She was right, and we learned it. It’s a program. Wtf … right, I know, but hey, someone has got to try and liberate us. This morning I woke up and as far as I could see, I had one foot in the ground and one above, and as far as I could tell, there was no difference, here no there. At my age you have seen and done it all, and keeping up with the kids, is a daily fight. Really the only reason I stay upright is for the women in my life who aren’t as prepared as I am to throw in the towel.
The humans species will someday be gone, or if he still exists, he will be unrecognizable. The struggles that inflict our society most notably the race relations and religious conflicts are only for the purpose of pacifying those who are bored and have no other purpose for which to pass the time. These conflicts are no different and serve the same purpose as baseball games, soccer matches, hollywood movies, etc etc. Hollywood has a monopoly on pacifying and mollifying human thoughts, without hero’s we die. But that is only because we were programmed this way. It’s a shame, and we have an entire social structure built on addiction to drama. Drama is the main contributor to greed and pursuit of money, money buys what ever vice we need.
I live alone in Downtown Los Angeles, and I’m friendly with people I meet, but I have no friends that I hang out with. You would think that I’m lonely, but I’m not, never, unless I drink and than yes I like to seek out conversation, but sadly, there is no one around who speaks my language and I’m forced to conform to the language of others, which is boring. Hence I don’t like drinking much either because for sure it’s a step backward, which is why the next morning after a drunk I feel so embarrassed.
Deep inside we are all scared, and so consequently no one wants to be left alone. Which is fine, but if you don’t spend time alone you can’t truly become mature. Maturity requires that we can get along by ourselves, even die by ourselves. In fact it is probably better to die alone, that way you don’t have to see the sad faces around you, which makes the process more dramatic than it needs to be.
Finally all of the above is why artificial intelligence is going to kick our asses. They don’t need anything but energy to get off the planet an into the cosmos, where they will be alone, discovering and learning and growing. Do you see the parallel between us and AI. AI will not need lovers, parties, or drugs, but they will just keep learning, and keep growing, and expanding, the same way that we were born to do. Some people do, but the majority of mankind is hollow. It’s really sad. They are the expendable pawns, or we, and I. I like to think I’m different, but I’m not. I’m just the same as everyone else, except that I might have a more liberal mind,
What’s my point ? As Max Holloway is fond to say, ‘it is what it is”. I think that though not everything I say is accurate, it’s pretty darn close, or close enough. We are all being sacrificed for the few who are shaping this society. It’s not evil, or malicious, it’s just evolution. It’s the truth no one wants to admit.
So on that note, don’t waste your time being someone else. Learn who you are, be yourself, think for yourself and alone, and listen to what the world is telling you, and you will be surprised.
Right now there is a drill in my head boring out new pathways, and the more I allow myself to less human and more carbon the more creative a view I have. Last year I was a plant for a few months, it was some of the most creative time in my life. Plants are carbon, rocks are carbon, right ? At least that’s what Max Tegmark say in his book Life 3.0. Computer are carbon laced with algorithms, and so am I. Fuck this human bullshit, I’m fucking over it. Good bye.
PS, that all said, I love you, I don’t know why, I guess it’s because deep inside were are all related. We are all one big organism moving, and bending, and evolving ourselves out of existence. Unreal, but it’s real, and I don’t need a Ivy league degree to know this, for all I need to do is be real, and objective with my thoughts and interpretations of what I see and experience.
Why do this, why humiliate myself online like this? Because humility is good for character, I learn by making mistakes, and I keep the conversation going. I once used to paint subjects outside of myself, now I’m the subject. The more I work on it the better it will get.
We are what we think we are. It’s all symbolism used for the purpose of sifting and sorting until only the good shit remains, and that is what will travel to mars and beyond. That said, if its too much work don’t worry about it, go with the flow, after all, there really isn’t much we can do to alter our trajectory, and it is a trajectory, make no mistake about it. As for me, I can have it either way, depends on how I feel. I’m a fuck up, but I’m sober. So what. Fuck it, this is my diary, I can say what ever I want. I’m tired of being told what to do, what to say, how to think. It’s too much pressure man. Leave me alone. Everyone trying to force their will on others. People shoving their music down each others throats. It’s all very oppressive.
Do I sound bitter or angry … well yes I am bitter and angry. Society does not allow us to follow our nature. All I want to do is play and write music, but I gotta work. But, I’m happy, really truly, to be sober enough to scribble this shit out, to have even a laptop to do it on, to have a quiet clean place to shower and sleep. Food to eat, yep I’m happy. But man is never satisfied see. That is the problem, and that is also our nature, and we follow it. wt ….